Why Self compassion is a non-negotiable
Key points:
This is the blog version of my video Why Self Compassion Is a Non-Negotiable: Part 1. If you’re more of a tl;dr kind of person, you may prefer the video.
Self compassion is not, as some people think, fluff or mushy gushy nonsense. It comes from one of our 7 basic emotional circuits and is a hardwired tool for emotional and physiological regulation. When we are talking about self compassion, we’re not talking about lovey dovey BS, we’re taking about tapping in to a natural, hard wired, neurological resource put there to optimize the function of our nervous system.
Self criticism comes from our Rage circuit and triggers our Fear circuit (two of our other hardwired emotional circuits) and triggers our sympathetic (fight or flight) nervous system.
Research shows that self compassion has been shown to increase motivation, perseverance and resiliency. It has also been proven to improve almost every type of mental health concern; stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, BPD.
Conversely, research shows self criticism leads to lower motivation, decreased perseverance, less resiliency in the face of failure. None of which is surprising when you think about the neurology of it and how self criticism compromises the parts of our brain that are responsible for those things.
Self compassion is a basic requirement of healing. If the part of your brain that is tasked with caring for and about yourself is atrophied, how can you expect to heal? It’s like expecting your body to fight off an infection when you’re on immune system suppressants. It can’t, the tools it would need to do that job aren’t there. We have to rehabilitate the Care circuit if we want to get anywhere in therapy.
The Conversation
Today’s chat was with a client who struggles with a lot of self criticism. To put it lightly. When I say self criticism, I mean she has a self critic that is so full of loathing that you could pull together a highlight reel of all the worst trolls on the internet and still not surpass how vicious this inner critic was.
And if you’ve seen some of my other videos, you know I wholeheartedly believe that nature doesn’t do anything in vain, and that if it’s happening, it’s happening for a reason, so I know there’s a reason the self critic is so vicious - and that’s absolutely something we’ll be focusing on in therapy - and I also know that the abuse has to stop.
There aren’t many things that I take a really hard line on in therapy. I’m not a tough love kind of therapist, I don’t believe in that, but self compassion is the exception to the rule. Which is somewhat ironic. When it comes to self compassion, I am a bit of hard ass. But it’s because if that is not being addressed, therapy will not go anywhere. You can’t heal while you are being beat up. You can’t criticize and bully yourself into wellbeing. It doesn’t work that way.
So I got up on my high horse and launched into my lecture about self criticism, self compassion and why we’re wasting our time here if we’re not actively working on self compassion.
The Neurology of Self Compassion
A lot of people dismiss self compassion from the outset as fluff or mushy gushy nonsense, so I like to start with the neurology as a way to call bullshit on that line of argument.
This is one of my favourite diagrams, I use it with clients all the time. It illustrates the different levels of emotional processing in the brain (just a note for anyone who’s seen other videos, these are not the same as the three information processing levels that I often talk about using Dan Siegal’s Hand Model of the Brain) - this is about emotional processing. For our purposes today, we’re largely going to look at the primary processing level of the brain, which has to do with our most basic, primordial emotions.
In the 1980s, Jaak Panksepp, a neurologist and psychologist, discovered that all mammals have 7 hard wired emotional circuits. Seeking, Lust, Care, Rage, Fear, Panic and Play. This is nature, not nurture. We come hard wired into the world with these emotional systems online. And we come hard wired with them because they are important to our survival. They serve critical functions.
The Care circuit, for example, is the underpinning of nurturing, of taking care of ourselves and others. It is only because of the Care circuit that we make it through infancy. Our parents Care circuit that keeps us alive. It essentially functions as an emotional umbilical cord after birth. It’s what makes caregiver Care for baby, so that baby survives.
And when I say survives, I mean that quite literally. There’s the most obvious way, of course, where if parents aren’t attached to their baby and leave it on the side of the road, it’s not going to survive. But so much more than that, if parents aren’t emotionally attached, if their Care circuit isn’t stimulated to motivate them to hold and rock and comfort their baby, babies can literally die of a lack of physical touch.
Because babies can’t regulate their emotions and their physiology on their own. Babies nervous systems essentially come with a gas peddle and no breaking system. They can rev up, but they can’t slow down.
Their brain’s haven’t developed that capacity yet, so a baby in distress is completely dependant on their caregivers to help them regulate their nervous system. Without that, they go into sympathetic overdrive, the fight or flight nervous system revs up, they’re are flooded with cortisol and epinephrine and stress hormones that can literally kill them if it lasts long enough.
Now at this point, my client says “ok, but that’s babies. Adults aren’t dying of their emotions.” To which I said “Yes, they are. Stress is implicated in 75-90% of illness and disease. Adults aren’t dying as fast as babies, but they absolutely are dying of it.”
Which is why nature equipped us with a breaking system, in the form of the Care circuit. Baby’s distress triggers parent’s Care circuit, which leads parent to comfort baby, so baby doesn’t die. When baby’s Care circuit is activated, it triggers the release of oxytocin and other neurochemicals that activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and digest nervous system), making baby feel calm and safe and connected. It brings baby back into the Window of Tolerance, for those who have seen that video.
And as that process happens, as baby is cared for, their own Care circuit builds and gets stronger. This becomes the basis for self soothing and regulating their own nervous system. Being soothed teaches us how to self soothe.
Our Care circuit is the fundamental, hardwired tool for emotional and physiological regulation. When we are talking about self compassion, we’re not talking about lovey dovey BS, we’re taking about tapping in to a natural, hard wired, neurological resource put there to optimize the function of our nervous system.
The Neurology of Self Criticism
So now lets look at self criticism.
While compassion activates the Care circuit, meanness - criticism, callousness, harshness - activates the Fear circuit. That triggers threat responses in our limbic system and puts our nervous system into fight or flight mode. Heart rate increases, blood pressure goes up, cortisol and adrenaline flood the body, and parts of the brain start to go offline.
That is not helpful, unless you need to fight or flee. If you need to think clearly, problem solve, be strategic, be productive, be creative, basically anything other than fight or flee, it’s not helpful. And then because we’re in fight or flight, we can’t think clearly, problem solve, be strategic, be productive, be creative, which leaves more for us to be criticized about.
Self criticism comes from our Rage circuit and triggers our Fear circuit, creating a loop of fear and self contempt, shame and blame. And while that pattern is getting reinforced and those circuits are getting stronger, the Care circuit withers away. Because the brain is a bit of a use it or lose it thing.
So I like to get really hyperbolic about it and say, “Shame and blame breaks your brain.” Does it actually break your brain? No. Does it have very real impacts on your neurology and your physiology? Yes.
Self compassion, the Care circuit, is the antidote to shame and blame.
The “I Need Criticism” Myth
Now as this point, there’s always someone who says, “I can’t just let myself off the hook all the time. If I don’t criticize myself when I screw up, I’ll never get better.”
To which I pull out my No button. False. Incorrect. It is untrue that self criticism leads to self improvement. Research has unequivocally shown that to be untrue. That in fact, self criticism leads to lower motivation, decreased perseverance, less resiliency in the face of stress and failure. None of which is surprising when you think about the neurology of it and how self criticism compromises the parts of our brain that are responsible for those things.
In contrast, self compassion has been shown to increase motivation, perseverance and resiliency. It has also been proven to improve almost every type of mental health concern; stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, BPD. Which again, makes sense, because self compassion is about how we take Care of suffering, how we regulate out nervous system in the midst of distress, and all of those are forms of distress.
The Way Out
Self compassion is the way out. Tapping into the Care circuit, strengthening it, is a basic requirement of healing. Is it a panacea? Of course not, nothing is, but is it a fundamental piece of the puzzle? Yes. Self compassion is the ground on which wellbeing is built.
If the part of your brain that is tasked with regulating your neurophysiology is atrophied, how can you expect to heal? It’s like expecting your body to fight off an infection when we’ve irradiated the immune system. It can’t, the tools it would need to do that job aren’t there.
So that’s why I take a pretty hard line on self compassion. We have to rehabilitate the Care circuit if we want to get anywhere in therapy.
The How
So, at this point, the science and research has done it’s job, and my client goes “fine… how?”
Not the resounding “Yes!” I was hoping for, but I’ll take it. And we’re going to answer her question in the next video.
